I really do wish there were more than 24 hours in a single day. Although the past week or so has been pretty exciting and nerve-wracking for me. I finished my admissions essay (after about 4 months of writer's block) and I have to say, I'm pretty sure I killed it. Or at the very least I brought people to tears, so either I've succeeded in writing an exceptionally good essay, or an exceptionally bad essay. Either way, it's exceptional.
I'm still so nervous though, especially about the things that I can't control anymore like test scores. I want to get into this particular school so badly but I'm terrified that everything I've done just might not be enough.
Which is why I made a back-up plan, and am applying to a second out-of-state school. It's not in a major city, and it isn't particularly ideal, but it'll do. I also have a back-up to my back-up, which is the local university. I'm definitely not worried about getting in there, so I guess no matter what I'll be in college come Fall. Finally.
So between work and flipping out about college applications, it hasn't left me with much time for other things, like sleeping. I'm also gearing up for Dark Odyssey's Winter Fire, and I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to be escaping reality for a while. I except to return home tiptoeing on clouds, or at the very least hovering just a tiny bit.
I also got this sexy lime green toolbox that I've converted into a toy box. I'll have the most distracting toy box in the dungeon, maybe.
I should also mention that I'll be wearing not one, but two dresses over the course of Winter Fire, and one corset. This is a weekend for the record books, folks.
Oh don't worry. I'll tell you all about it.
Cheers!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Connecting
I'll be the first to admit that the past 6 months all but broke me.
It's the strangest feeling, being in your body but knowing parts of you are missing. You almost can't help but check your limbs to make sure everything is there. There's a profound sense of being hollow, and you try pouring whatever you can into yourself, only it's never filled.
I felt disconnected, I still feel disconnected. Slowly though, things began to build mass. I cut my hair, got different glasses, cared for myself, and yesterday I actually spent a solid 7 hours cleaning and scrubbing my apartment. It's the first time I did more than what was absolutely necessary in months. I reached out to a friend that I hadn't been there for as much as I should have, and we talked. It was really nice. I cried.
Slowly, parts of me are coming back together. Sexually I'm completely blank. I haven't felt connected to myself sexually in ages. I don't bother masturbating, I don't bother putting any effort into finding partners, I don't even want to watch porn. I've made some play-dates for Winter Fire, surprisingly it's more topping for me, which is unusual, but I'm excited. I'm hoping that weekend will be the jolt I need to pull myself entirely together.
It makes sense though, that my sexuality would be the last piece of the puzzle. My sexuality springs from my mental security. I have to suss out my major problems before I can really connect with my sexual self. And once I'm together, and whole, then I can start connecting with other people.
I'm getting closer. Last night I went out with a friend and coworker for her birthday, a lot of other people we knew were there, and some people I didn't. I had a really great time, granted I was slightly intoxicated, but even before then, it was fun. I was actually reasonably social, which is never something that has come easily to me.
Connecting with people has always been hard for me, I've always been more of a thinker than a speaker. I listen, but I don't always catch everything, and it's always been easier to just maintain the relationship I have with myself than to maintain it with others. I've gotten better connecting with other people, but I feel like I still have so far to go.
Right now, I'm focused on connecting with myself again. I know me better than anyone, I just have to find me again.
It's the strangest feeling, being in your body but knowing parts of you are missing. You almost can't help but check your limbs to make sure everything is there. There's a profound sense of being hollow, and you try pouring whatever you can into yourself, only it's never filled.
I felt disconnected, I still feel disconnected. Slowly though, things began to build mass. I cut my hair, got different glasses, cared for myself, and yesterday I actually spent a solid 7 hours cleaning and scrubbing my apartment. It's the first time I did more than what was absolutely necessary in months. I reached out to a friend that I hadn't been there for as much as I should have, and we talked. It was really nice. I cried.
Slowly, parts of me are coming back together. Sexually I'm completely blank. I haven't felt connected to myself sexually in ages. I don't bother masturbating, I don't bother putting any effort into finding partners, I don't even want to watch porn. I've made some play-dates for Winter Fire, surprisingly it's more topping for me, which is unusual, but I'm excited. I'm hoping that weekend will be the jolt I need to pull myself entirely together.
It makes sense though, that my sexuality would be the last piece of the puzzle. My sexuality springs from my mental security. I have to suss out my major problems before I can really connect with my sexual self. And once I'm together, and whole, then I can start connecting with other people.
I'm getting closer. Last night I went out with a friend and coworker for her birthday, a lot of other people we knew were there, and some people I didn't. I had a really great time, granted I was slightly intoxicated, but even before then, it was fun. I was actually reasonably social, which is never something that has come easily to me.
Connecting with people has always been hard for me, I've always been more of a thinker than a speaker. I listen, but I don't always catch everything, and it's always been easier to just maintain the relationship I have with myself than to maintain it with others. I've gotten better connecting with other people, but I feel like I still have so far to go.
Right now, I'm focused on connecting with myself again. I know me better than anyone, I just have to find me again.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Burn
I'll be the first to admit that I'm extremely emotional. When I feel something, it's complete and absolute, it's something I can feel radiating through me in waves, it's intense and powerful and an absolute roller-coaster at times.
The past few weeks I haven't had that though, the only thing radiating through me is containment, control. It's been calm, eerily calm, and I'm not exactly sure why. My logical self has taken the wheel, and my emotional self is somewhere else, maybe in the trunk, or just napping in the back-seat. Granted, I tend to make better long-term decisions when I'm being logical, but there's just something so -alive- about being emotional.
My best guess is that I'm under repair, like one of those old rickety fair rides that looks like it was supposed to break yesterday, and they finally got around to shutting it down for a while so they could look it over and fix it. It's happened to me before, when something happens that I can't process quickly, and eventually I get over it, but something feels more permanent this time. It just feels like if I do revert back to being emotional, that cold logic will still be there, more pronounced than before.
I don't think I'm broken, I think I have a lot left to process. I've dealt with so much but I still have even more left to sort through. I need to get things in order.
There's my favorite word, order. No matter what anyone says, the key to being bat-shit crazy is having your ducks in a row first, then you turn into a hurricane.
But I want to burn, I want to smolder with emotion again. I want to feel as if I'm going to burst at the seams from anything, any emotion at all, I'll take it. If I'm lucky, it'll be passion. You really get to shine with passion, it's the best feeling in the world; warm and comforting, but at the same time it's intense and electric, and it doesn't have to be about another person, it can be anything. Your whole body hums with it.
I'm not sure how you might describe it, I don't know how other people experience things. It's the best high in the world though.
It's a process, and I'm changing, which is scary. But the more I look at the changes, the more I seem to like them. I'm being reworked with heat and pressure, and hopefully the next finished product will be even better.
The past few weeks I haven't had that though, the only thing radiating through me is containment, control. It's been calm, eerily calm, and I'm not exactly sure why. My logical self has taken the wheel, and my emotional self is somewhere else, maybe in the trunk, or just napping in the back-seat. Granted, I tend to make better long-term decisions when I'm being logical, but there's just something so -alive- about being emotional.
My best guess is that I'm under repair, like one of those old rickety fair rides that looks like it was supposed to break yesterday, and they finally got around to shutting it down for a while so they could look it over and fix it. It's happened to me before, when something happens that I can't process quickly, and eventually I get over it, but something feels more permanent this time. It just feels like if I do revert back to being emotional, that cold logic will still be there, more pronounced than before.
I don't think I'm broken, I think I have a lot left to process. I've dealt with so much but I still have even more left to sort through. I need to get things in order.
There's my favorite word, order. No matter what anyone says, the key to being bat-shit crazy is having your ducks in a row first, then you turn into a hurricane.
But I want to burn, I want to smolder with emotion again. I want to feel as if I'm going to burst at the seams from anything, any emotion at all, I'll take it. If I'm lucky, it'll be passion. You really get to shine with passion, it's the best feeling in the world; warm and comforting, but at the same time it's intense and electric, and it doesn't have to be about another person, it can be anything. Your whole body hums with it.
I'm not sure how you might describe it, I don't know how other people experience things. It's the best high in the world though.
It's a process, and I'm changing, which is scary. But the more I look at the changes, the more I seem to like them. I'm being reworked with heat and pressure, and hopefully the next finished product will be even better.
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