Connecting

I'll be the first to admit that the past 6 months all but broke me.

It's the strangest feeling, being in your body but knowing parts of you are missing. You almost can't help but check your limbs to make sure everything is there. There's a profound sense of being hollow, and you try pouring  whatever you can into yourself, only it's never filled.

I felt disconnected, I still feel disconnected. Slowly though, things began to build mass. I cut my hair, got different glasses, cared for myself, and yesterday I actually spent a solid 7 hours cleaning and scrubbing my apartment. It's the first time I did more than what was absolutely necessary in months. I reached out to a friend that I hadn't been there for as much as I should have, and we talked. It was really nice. I cried.

Slowly, parts of me are coming back together. Sexually I'm completely blank. I haven't felt connected to myself sexually in ages. I don't bother masturbating, I don't bother putting any effort into finding partners, I don't even want to watch porn. I've made some play-dates for Winter Fire, surprisingly it's more topping for me, which is unusual, but I'm excited. I'm hoping that weekend will be the jolt I need to pull myself entirely together.

It makes sense though, that my sexuality would be the last piece of the puzzle. My sexuality springs from my mental security. I have to suss out my major problems before I can really connect with my sexual self. And once I'm together, and whole, then I can start connecting with other people.

I'm getting closer. Last night I went out with a friend and coworker for her birthday, a lot of other people we knew were there, and some people I didn't. I had a really great time, granted I was slightly intoxicated, but even before then, it was fun. I was actually reasonably social, which is never something that has come easily to me.

Connecting with people has always been hard for me, I've always been more of a thinker than a speaker. I listen, but I don't always catch everything, and it's always been easier to just maintain the relationship I have with myself than to maintain it with others. I've gotten better connecting with other people, but I feel like I still have so far to go.

Right now, I'm focused on connecting with myself again. I know me better than anyone, I just have to find me again.