Burn

I'll be the first to admit that I'm extremely emotional. When I feel something, it's complete and absolute, it's something I can feel radiating through me in waves, it's intense and powerful and an absolute roller-coaster at times.

The past few weeks I haven't had that though, the only thing radiating through me is containment, control. It's been calm, eerily calm, and I'm not exactly sure why. My logical self has taken the wheel, and my emotional self is somewhere else, maybe in the trunk, or just napping in the back-seat. Granted, I tend to make better long-term decisions when I'm being logical, but there's just something so -alive- about being emotional.

My best guess is that I'm under repair, like one of those old rickety fair rides that looks like it was supposed to break yesterday, and they finally got around to shutting it down for a while so they could look it over and fix it. It's happened to me before, when something happens that I can't process quickly, and eventually I get over it, but something feels more permanent this time. It just feels like if I do revert back to being emotional, that cold logic will still be there, more pronounced than before.

I don't think I'm broken, I think I have a lot left to process. I've dealt with so much but I still have even more left to sort through. I need to get things in order.

There's my favorite word, order. No matter what anyone says, the key to being bat-shit crazy is having your ducks in a row first, then you turn into a hurricane.

But I want to burn, I want to smolder with emotion again. I want to feel as if I'm going to burst at the seams from anything, any emotion at all, I'll take it. If I'm lucky, it'll be passion. You really get to shine with passion, it's the best feeling in the world; warm and comforting, but at the same time it's intense and electric, and it doesn't have to be about another person, it can be anything. Your whole body hums with it.

I'm not sure how you might describe it, I don't know how other people experience things. It's the best high in the world though.

It's a process, and I'm changing, which is scary. But the more I look at the changes, the more I seem to like them. I'm being reworked with heat and pressure, and hopefully the next finished product will be even better.