I first met Tristan at Dark Odyssey Summer Camp, she had a workshop on crossing borders and essentially challenging the borders that we set up for ourselves.
In a world where communication and negotiation are at the core to safe and exciting play, participants generally come into a negotiation with pre-defined borders. While knowing your limits is inarguably a good thing, it is possible to box ourselves in and close ourselves off to other experiences that we hadn't considered.
During my initial sexual growth, I'll be the first to admit I was boxed in. I was curious about many many things, but I believed that in order to be happy I had to be in love with a man and have only penis-in-vagina intercourse and that would be that, for the rest of my life. It didn't take long for me to realize that I couldn't be satisfied by that alone.
I was curious but didn't know where to start, being a young teenager, going out and meeting people wasn't an option (I couldn't drive myself) so I looked online. I talked to people in the BDSM and D/s world and found a whole spectrum of relationships and play, multi-faceted dynamics that leave miles of room to grow and explore, I was in love.
Over the years, my borders have grown, so much so that they aren't really borders as much as they are perforated lines. There is a relatively short list of things that I absolutely won't do, and everything else depends on the partner or partners and the dynamic that we have.
Walking into Tristan's workshop, I honestly had no idea what to expect but I told myself I'd be going in with an open mind-- no matter what. The group sat in two rows, slips of paper and pens, along with blindfolds, were sitting on the chairs when we arrived, and my interest was piqued. After introductions we were instructed to write down a fantasy, using as much detail as we wanted. The first thing that came to mind was a pegging fantasy, I don't remember the specific details, but after a few minutes my fantasy was jotted down.
We were then instructed to fold it in half and place it in a box that was passed around. I thought we might have to read a random fantasy aloud to everyone, which was a little nerve-wracking (I'm not a fan of public speaking). Instead, we were told to pick a fantasy from the box, and the front row to turn their chairs around and face the person behind us in the second row. We were to read our chosen fantasy to our partner and then they would ask us questions about the fantasy, asking about details, motivations, and actions. The beauty in this is that we had to adopt someone else's fantasy as our own even if it was something we wouldn't normally consider.
The fantasy I chose was a room with a group of curvy, buxom women encircled around me on their hands and knees, asses facing in with their knees apart. I was on my knees crawling around to each one and giving them pleasure. They then used me how they wished, including golden showers and penetration with strap-ons.
While the strap-ons were no big deal, golden showers are a place where I draw the line. Bodily waste is one of my harder limits and until then I hadn't considered or incorporated it in any fantasy of mine. It was a challenge to adopt that part of it, and to eroticize that type of act. It was a boundary that I was forced to recognize and decide if that was a place where I would be comfortable going. Afterwards I thought about it and decided that it was still a hard limit, but under the right circumstances I would consider it.
By closing ourselves off to something, we essentially miss out on that experience without knowing if it's something we may desire or something that we might benefit from.
Tristan then explained that in the second part of the workshop, there would be people touching/kissing you, and you would be touching/kissing other people, the catch being that the person being touched or kissed wouldn't know who was doing it. She gave the opportunity for anyone who was uncomfortable with this to leave with no judgement, a move that instantly set the foundation for a safe environment for physical contact, because while discussing fantasies may be expected from a workshop, physical contact isn't always incorporated, the offer she made allowed everyone to make a choice for themselves and it was appreciated throughout the group.
The second part of the workshop involved everyone moving their chairs to a circle facing outward. We numbered off into two groups, one group stood while the other sat. The sitting group was instructed to put on the blindfold, ensuring that they couldn't see anything. The standing group was instructed to move left or right according to the card that Tristan held up, and we would move a certain number of people also according to a card. We were to touch the person in front of us, communicating a message with that touch, the message was ours to choose. Every touch I made was meant to impart a feeling of hope and strength, something I was looking for and needing at the time.
Then, the groups switched, and I was touched three times by complete strangers, I never knew who they were, but each touch was different and distinct, and gave you an impression of the person, but not of the gender identity or their anatomy.
We switched again, our instructions this time being to kiss the person we stood in front of. We could kiss anywhere that there was bare skin. Some people chose to be naked, others chose to remain clothed and used additional blindfolds to cover other areas such as their mouth. Once again we wouldn't know who was kissing, and each time I kissed someone my kisses were deliberate, tailored to the person sitting in front of me. A soft gentle kiss to the eyelids, a slow smooth kiss with a flick of the tongue just below the ear, a firm kiss on the shoulder with a bite that increased in pressure as my mouth closed. I was kissed on the forehead, on the lips, and on my jawline, and the only time I knew the gender of the person was when I felt the scratchy whiskers of a beard, and even then I had no way of knowing their identity, they could have very well preferred men.
Attending Tristan's workshop made me realize how little the other person's gender identity or physical anatomy was important to me. It's the philosophy and the feeling that she brings to all of her work. It's a powerful and freeing lesson that once learned is never forgotten. Her message is most prominent in her work directing pornography with Smart Ass Productions. She strips away all of the tawdry and cheap stereotypes that you think of when you hear the word 'porn' and highlights the broad spectrum of human sexuality along with all of the powerful emotions and intimacy. Watching her pornography is like being a fly on the wall in a person's bedroom. All of the performers she chooses are real, varying body types and personalities with genuine chemistry and excitement, they're all excited to be where they are, doing what they're passionate about, and all of it shows. The distinction between a Smart Ass Production and most other porn out there is astounding. It's the difference between two people performing for a camera, and two people being intimate with each-other while a camera is present.
I recently volunteered to review her latest DVD, the Expert Guide to the Female Orgasm, and I was thrilled to watch it not once, but twice, before actually sitting down and writing the review. Her Expert Guide series combines pornography with sexual education, a remarkable feat in itself. Look out for my next post, which will be a review of the Expert Guide to the Female Orgasm.
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