Over the past two months or so I've lost approximately 20 pounds, which is rapid for any person. Other than the obvious health benefits I failed to consider the downsides. After 21 years I had become comfortable in my own skin, I knew what outside stimulants brought specific bodily reactions, I knew how to manipulate my body to get the responses I wanted, namely orgasms.
Of course it all boils down to sex. Sex is my physical outlet, often times through masturbation. Without that outlet there are noticeable and drastic changes both emotionally and physically. I get cranky, bitchy, and all number of other expletives, my back and neck tense more and more, like my whole body is under pressure until eventually I snap. Sex helps me relieve that pressure and keeps my mind clear and my body relaxed.
Logically speaking, losing weight should increase libido but I haven't found that yet. If anything, my libido has decreased. Granted, that could be due to intense emotional strain from the past few months, but typically under stress my sexual needs are more pronounced than anything. Not to mention, even when I do masturbate, my orgasms are a light pop where they used to be a roaring explosion. They're more difficult to bring about and I can't have them in rapid succession like I used to-- something that took years of time to develop for me.
Perhaps it's just because I haven't been as active in masturbation as I used to. Perhaps it's the medications I'm taking now, a slight change in body chemistry could alter any number of things. Or maybe it's just that my body is changing rapidly and it isn't the same long enough for me to figure it out again.
Every day I notice something new. My toes are thinner, and appear much longer and more gangly than they used to. My shoulders are more square and my arms are thinner, the bones in my ankles are more pronounced and my face is less round. I'm sure tomorrow morning I'll see something else I hadn't noticed.
I'm concerned because what if the things my body used to respond to, the things I really enjoy, don't feel the same as they had before? What if my body reacts differently, negatively even? I suppose I'll have to start from scratch again, re-exploring all of the things I had experimented with before. While a fresh start could lead somewhere even better than before, it's disheartening to know that I couldn't enjoy my 'old' self longer.
A few more months down the road and I'll be waking up as an entirely different person, physically anyway.
Well, here's to change, and all the paths of discovery it may open up.
No comments:
Post a Comment