Ebb and Flow

As with all things, there is a natural and cyclical progression. In my experience, human relationships are no different. Whether we are relating to another person, or to an idea, an expression, a passion, a thing; there always seems to be a time when we need to withdraw, and other times when we need to push ahead. The length of the cycle can vary, a pianist may go years without playing, but eventually, in a long enough time line, they will play again.

Writing, for me, is no different. There is a strong ebb and flow that usually follows the same pattern. Inspiration comes from emotional upheaval, whether it be negative or positive emotions. I'll feel inspired for a few days, then it just won't come as naturally, and I'll settle back in to my normal routine. My words always convey how I'm feeling at the time.

Right now I'm feeling a bit lost. I know where I want to go but right now it's only an idea. I have no guidance, and no path that's been shown to me. It's a largely organic process but it's tiring. I'm 21 years old and I feel as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, when really all I have are the weight of my own expectations.

I'm also afraid. Of failure, of letting myself down, of not being the absolute best that I'm capable of. It's frustrating when you know you can do more, but there's a wall around you, and as hard as you search, you can't figure out what that wall is, let alone how to traverse it. I keep telling myself that things will happen in their own time, that forcing myself to do what is necessary when my heart isn't in it would be the worst thing I could do. But I simply don't know right now.

I want to learn, I want to make connections and relate things to each other. Peace for me comes from seeing those interrelated intricacies that seem to be overlooked, from being able to witness things come together, from accomplishing something that I set my mind to.

I know what I have to do. I have to keep moving. I have to let go of what I have here and find somewhere where I can immerse myself in my passions, completely surrounded by what inspires me. I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I'll probably never know when I'm ready. I just hope that I'm not paralyzed where I am. I have come so far, and changed so much to be who I am now. I've sought out what I wanted to learn in order to grow and become what I think I can be, but again, what I want is still so far away.

I'm not doubting my abilities, I'm not doubting who I am. I know what I'm capable of and I know how far I'll go to reach for something. I just wish I didn't have to wait.